Heart Check: Parable of the Soil

Series: Heart Check
Parable of the Soil by John Burke, May 4, 2008
1. In this message John talked about Jesus’ “parable of the soils” (see Bible passages below). He called it a “Heart check”. We’ll come back to that idea, but let’s start where John started. At the beginning of the message, John showed a video of someone trying to give away money at a street corner. Almost no one would take it. But we all like free stuff, right? So what’s up with that? You probably have some ideas about why people might not have taken the money. What do you think? (10 minutes)

2. There are different types of “check ups” we can get: Health, Heart, Car, Financial, etc.… and this one, Spiritual. Are you a “check-up” type of person… someone who makes a point of taking a look at “How things are going” in their life…. or not? What kinds of regular check-ups do you do? Most people are more likely to do the non-Spiritual sort. Why is that? Talk about that for a few minutes and then see whether anyone in the group has done some sort of “spiritual check-up”. What did that person (you?) do? If relevant, spend some time to describe different ways to check your spiritual location/progress. (10 minutes)

3. Jesus described four types of spiritual heart-soil: hard, shallow, weedy, and good. John gave some examples what each one of these “look like” in terms of real life. Use the group to extend each one: What sorts of life conditions make for each type of soil? What types spiritual lives do people with each type of soil have? Have you know anyone (no names) that seem to have that type of “soil”? Why do you think so? Take a few minutes to discuss each spiritual soil condition. (10 – 15 minutes)

4. At the end of the parable, Jesus said that people who plant His message in “good” soil, bear a LOT of fruit: thirty, sixty, a hundred times what was planted. As John said in the message, good soil produces a rich life with great ROI. So how to get good soil? Try to get an idea by looking a real soil. Any real gardeners (or ex-gardeners) in the group? What does it take to get a really good garden? Next, discuss any parallels between this and to gardening spiritual “fruit”? (10 minutes)

5. So what are some practical ways to get good spiritual soil? Let each person talk about things that have been most useful for them in building up their spiritual soil and garden. (10 minutes)

6. End up the discussion with time for a personal soil-check. What type of soil do you have? Are you building soil the way you want? Was there any point in the discussion that you heard God’s “voice”? Jesus said He is “Living Water”… that should help build a garden. Take some time to reflect on what you are “hearing”. Then point to some time in the next few days when you will continue the soil check, by starting something that will give you the soil you want – and ask Jesus’ help. (As He said in the passage below, if someone “turns” to Him, He will heal them. Are you willing to take that free gift from a really good gardener?) (5 minutes)

Bible passages from the Message:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22

[Jesus] told them many things in parables, saying: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear." Matthew 13:3-9

Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: When people hear the message about the kingdom and do not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their hearts. This is the seed sown along the path. The seed falling on rocky ground refers to people who hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. The seed falling among the thorns refers to people who hear the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. But the seed falling on good soil refers to people who hear the word and understand it. They produce a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Matthew 13:18-23

This is why I speak to them in parables…In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: " 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.' Matthew 13:13-15

Get more background and information:
You can download or listen to this message at Gateway Message (and other messages too)

Try a personal heart-check, with next-steps at Gateway's Discover, Develop, Deepen website.

Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore

Mad Love: Compatability

Series: Mad Love

Foundations for Compatabiltiy by Rick Shurtz, April 27, 2008

In this message, Rick talked about building foundations for love and compatibility in relationships, but he started with the analogy of foundations in a house. Let’s start there too.

1. Have you ever lived in a house (or do you now) where the builder did not do such a hot job on construction? If so, that probably means that something fell apart down the line. Has that happened to a house you lived in? Now’s the chance to get it off your chest: what’s your construction nightmare? (10 minutes)

2. Now let’s move the picture to how we construct our lives. As Rick said, we all have some sort of foundation – sometimes built intentionally, but often unthinking. Rick mentioned jobs and relationships as to examples. What are others? Try to list as many things as you can that people use for their foundation. (10 minutes)

3. As Rick said, we too can do a lousy job of build foundations for our relationships or for our lives, but not realize it until later. Try to relate this to your own life – either involving a relationship or not. Think back to some relatively early period in your life… 20’s, teens, or even childhood. Was there anything that you thought would be the answer to a happy, successful life? What was that? Do you still think so? If so, explain what has “held up” in your life since… and if not, discuss the types of things that change beliefs about how and where to build. (10 – 15 minutes)

4. The Bible passage below covers one of Jesus’ parables where he compares how we build our lives to building a house. He says that a poor foundation can’t hold up to the storms of life. Think about the “construction change” you discussed in the question above. Was there a storm in your life involved in that change? Or perhaps you’ve experienced a storm that changed your thinking in some other way. To the extent you’re comfortable, talk about a storm that has changed you in some way. (10 – 15 minutes)

5. Now take a couple of minutes to think back on the discussion so far: Are there any foundations that seem more solid? If so, discuss that. (5 – 10 minutes)

6. Wind up with some time to think about whether you could use a foundation check. Was there a point in the discussions when it felt like God might be suggesting some major foundation work… or maybe pointing out a crack here or there. Don’t leave without focusing on the problem for a minute… and thinking about real and practical next steps. Is there something you can do this week to improve your foundation? Stop for moment and ask God help you with the work… He likes doing joint construction projects and He IS a great builder. Make sure to note or write down any next steps you’ve planned. (5 minutes)

Jesus’ story about foundations:
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7:24-27

Get more background and information:

• You can download or listen to Rick's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)
• Check out Chip Ingram' book Love Sex, and Lasting Relationships
• Gateway Support and Recovery Ministries has a Staying the Course in Marriage Divorce Prevention program.
• Gateway offers Biblically-based professional counseling with Merry Fiske, that can help with relationship and communication issues.
• Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore

Mad Love: Conflict

Series: Mad Love
Dealing with Conflict by Ted Beasley, April 20, 2008
We’ve spent a few weeks talking about what creates “Mad Love”… the type of loving relationships that God wants for us. This week Ted looked at something that can seriously derail love: conflict.

1. Ted started by asking us whether we could think of any old photos of special, love-filled moments with people from our past. Think our your collection of photos (or maybe the ones that were in your collection before you tossed them…). Can you think of any photo that stands out as special? It might have been with a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, or just captured you with another person/people in a special moment. Take a few minutes to talk about your favorite photo flash from the past. (10 minutes)

2. Opposite Day: Ted described an important “principle” from Jesus teachings called the “Law of Inversion”. It means that relationships in God’s economy are the opposite of those in our world… (“first will be last”, “give up everything and gain the world”, “humble will inherit”, and Jesus’ statement recorded by Matthew, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” - 16: 24-45). This is pretty powerful, shocking stuff. Is it true? Can you think of some real examples of the Law of Inversion in operation in your life or other people? If so, talk about that in the group. If not, talk about why you think the Law of Inversion doesn’t work. (10 minutes)

3. As Ted said, The Law of Inversion is often NOT the way most of us approach conflict in marriage - or any other relationship - loving or otherwise. Ted described a “need to win” mentality that many of us have when we get into a dispute. Why does that happen? What makes people want to “win” the battle, when it might make them “lose the war” in their relationships? (You don’t have to talk about this but, what about you? On a scale of 1 – 5, with 5 being the “MUST win at all cost” end, where would people who know you most likely put you?) (10 minutes)

4. Ted described five steps to better handle conflict in a relationship:

• Affirm the relationship (note how the relationships is important to you)


• Make observations, not accusations (describe events in terms of your reactions/feelings toward them – not the other person’s character… “when you do X, I feel Y”)


• Apologize, if appropriate


• Fight tactics, not people (if needed, note your feelings about the way the conversation is going and what is happening right then)


• End with a plan (how to avoid the conflict in the future)

For this part, divide into pairs. Then, with your discussion partner, take turns walking through each of the steps above and relate them to REAL conflict situations you’ve faced. If you can, try to think of situations where the step WAS there and how that effected the outcome. (i.e., can you think of a time when a “conflict discussion” started with something about the importance of the relationship? If so, how did that effect the discussion?) If you can’t think of an example, describe what happened in a conflict situation without that step. (please be careful here about identifying other people if the point is not flattering to them… disguised characters are fine). (20 minutes)

6. Next, in the group as a whole, go around and note any “best practices” that came out of the paired discussions. (5 - 10 minutes)

7. Take a couple of minutes to “end with a plan” for your approach to conflict. Maybe there is someone in your life that you’ve been trying to love, but doing it right side up rather than upside down? Do you need to do an Opposite Day with that person? Perhaps the “win at all costs” question hit really close to home for you: Do you need to have a conversation with God, and then someone else about that? Or maybe you need to test the Law of Inversion: Is there an opposite thing can you do this week – conflict or otherwise – that could test the Law of Inversion? Talk to God about this silently and if the Holy Spirit is prompting you to take some action – write down your plan for this week to take the next step. (5 minutes)

Bible verses from this message: (most from The Message version)

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” Matthew 16: 24 – 25

Anyone who sacrifices home, family, fields—whatever—because of me will get it all back a hundred times over, not to mention the considerable bonus of eternal life. This is the Great Reversal: many of the first ending up last, and the last first. Matthew 19: 29 – 30

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19

Jesus got them together to settle things down. "You've observed how godless rulers throw their weight around," he said, "and when people get a little power how quickly it goes to their heads. It's not going to be that way with you. Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave.” Mark 10:42-44

So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. I Corinthians 13:3 – 8

Get more background and information:
You can download or listen to Ted's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)

Check out Chip Ingram' book Love Sex, and Lasting Relationships

Gateway Support and Recovery Ministries has a Staying the Course in Marriage Divorce Prevention program.

Gateway offers Biblically-based professional counseling with Merry Fiske, that can help with relationship and communication issues.

For more information about love languages you can read Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore

Mad Love: Committment

Series: Mad Love
Committment by John Burke, April 13, 2008
Continuing this series about building loving relationships, John talked about the make-it-or-break-it issue of commitment… something that’s missing in so many types of relationships.

1. John mentioned Chip Ingram’s book (see below) where he noted that a lot of our ideas about how love commitments happen come from movies, TV, songs, etc. Knock that around a little bit. Think of a movie/show/song about love relationships that you’ve seen/heard recently. What could someone “learn” about love commitments – how they happen… or not – from this? Talk about this for a few minutes. (5 - 10 minutes)

2. While John talked mostly about the big commitment of marriage, many people back away from even small commitments (i.e., go to a movie, help with something or someone, take on a small responsibility, etc). Think back over the last couple of weeks: Can you think of any point where either 1) you asked someone to commit to something big or small, 2) someone asked you to do that, or 3) you saw that played out with people you know? How did the “agreement” part go? What about the follow-through? Do you know, or can you speculate about the reasons involved? We’ll use your “example” here as the basis for part of the discussion below. (BTW - We all know that much of our lives feel like they are “over-committed” anyway… and we just can’t do more. We’re not talking about that. Rather, think about a request where it would have been possible to agree.)

- First, examples of someone not being willing to commit at all: talk about those types of situations. In the discussion, try to notice the reasons… in terms of either circumstances or personal style/preferences why the person involved did not to agree to do something they were asked to “commit” to. (think about both “given” as well as any “real” reasons).

- Next, talk about any examples where there was “agreement” but no follow-through. Outside of genuinely unavoidable events, why did you or others not act on the agreement?

- Now, what about the commitments that were “completed”, at least to the degree possible? Discuss what happened there: Were there any different circumstances or motivations? What made these commitments “work”?

Wrap up this part by thinking back over the discussion so far: Do you notice any common types of differences between the commitments that happen and those that don’t? Note these and then discuss any other reasons you think make it hard for people to make “commitments” in their lives. (20 - 25 minutes for all examples and discussion)

3. Now, let’s go back to loving relationships. Not all of us have been married, but most of us have had at least one important relationship where we were/are very committed – maybe to children, parents, or a friend if not a spouse. Think about any relationship you were/are genuinely, deeply, committed. Why? What makes you committed? Discuss only as much as you feel comfortable. (5 - 10 minutes)

4. John said that statistics show that “living together” actually decreases the chances for the people involved to have a lasting marriage. Any ideas about why that would be the case? Talk about that for awhile. (5 - 10 minutes)

5. Obviously we can only have a limited number of deeply committed relationships. But sometimes we want/need more than we have or the ones we have don’t really have all the “mad love” we want. Wrap up by thinking about your own relationships. As John said, God is our best teacher about loving relationships. John noted that God teaches that in REAL love there is: Commitment, No fear of judgment, No fear of abandonment, No fear of rejection, and No fear of external threats : (for specifics on this, check out the Bible verses below). John also compared Hollywood’s route to love with God’s:
“Hollywood’s” path to love: 1). Find the Right Person 2). Fall in Love emotionally, particularly when based on sexual energy 3). Fix all your hopes and dreams on that one person. 4). If failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3.
God’s Path: 1). Become the right person. 2). Walk in love. 3). Fix your hope on God and seek to please him through this relationship. 4). If a failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3.
Are you on the path to love in your deep personal relationships? Do you feel like God is suggesting a path correction? If so, write that down along with one thing you can do this week to move to or along the path to God’s type of loving relationship. (5 minutes)

Bible verses from the message:

"Haven't you read, " [Jesus] replied, "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:4-6

He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:28-30

We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. 1 John 3:16

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that [God’s] love has not been perfected in us. We love each other as a result of his loving us first. 1 John 4:18-19

God has said, ‘never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ Hebrews 13:5

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you. Romans 15:7

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The Angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Romans 8:38-39

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us. Ephesians 5:1-2

Get more background and information:

• You can download or listen to John's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)
• Check out Chip Ingram' book Love Sex, and Lasting Relationships
• For more information about love languages you can read Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore
  

Mad Love: Flexibility

Series: Mad Love
Flexibility by John Burke, April 6, 2008

Last week John talked about how listening and understanding love languages helps build loving relationships – this week his focus was on being open to change.

1. Let’s start with a flashback to last week: If you were in a group discussion, the wrap up asked you to identify and change something about the way you listen to others, or way you use the “love language” of someone close to you – and to try to apply that change in the last week. How did that go? Did anyone use another person's “love language” or listen differently? How did that turn out? (10 mintues)

2. In this week's message, John talked about something that makes it difficult to be flexible in our relationships: our “rules” ... those things we learned along the way… often from our family of birth, that we unconsciously think of as absolute truths. John’s said one of his rules was “a dirty car means you don’t care”. Can you think of a “rule” you learned from your parent(s) that you later realized was not actually written down by God in the 10 commandments? How do you deal with that rule now? (Your can’t count the ones you couldn’t wait to lose … try to think of rules you actually “believed” and then later may have changed your thinking about.). Once you’ve got your rule in mind, think about what made you change your approach to the rule. Spend some time checking out each others’ rules and how they've changed. (10 – 15 minutes)

3. Now transfer this thinking to someone else: Have you ever lived with someone in close proximity (marriage, roommate, brother, sister, etc.) who had a “rule” that drove you crazy? Pick one and think about how you dealt with it: Did you just accept it? Bite your tongue and roll your eyes? Did they change? A compromise? Something else? Describe these relationship episodes in the group. (10 – 15 minutes)

4. Now, think back about the discussion over the last two questions: Considering all the stories, what sorts of things led to greater flexibility in dealing with rules... by you or by others? The list below has suggestions from John's message on ways to change. It may prompt some thoughts about what makes people more flexible?
- Adapting to differences
- Changing rules
- Humble yourself
- Changing roles and expectations
- Change your attitude
(10 minutes)

5. Now, let’s get kind of personal… are there any rules YOU have now that maybe drive the people around YOU crazy? Can you think of one of those? Or maybe you have a rule that stands between you and making or building better relationships. Take some time for those in the group who are comfortable, to talk about their rules that could be hard on relationships. (10 minutes)

6. Close by taking some time for some personal reflection on your rules. Have you thought of any rule, yours or others, where your rule (or your attitude to someone else’s rule) could be standing in the way of a more loving, more enjoyable relationship with that person? If so, write that down. Then think about the things the group discussed that help people be more flexible. Could any of those apply to your situation? Would you like to do what John suggested and make a decision to change your approach? If so, ask God to give you His grace to make the change you want and His perspective about the “rules”. If you can’t think of any rules that apply here, pray that God will bring to mind any rules that could be keeping you from giving and getting the love you want. (5 minutes)

Bible verses from the message:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Mark 10:7-8

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 1 Peter 5:5-6

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21

Be joyful always. 1 Thessalonians 5:16

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. John 15:11

But when the [God’s] Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace…. Galatians 5:22

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious--the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4:8 (Message Bible)

Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching…you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

Get more background and information:

• You can download or listen to John's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)


• For more information about love languages you can read Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman


• Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore

Mad love quiz (from John's message)
Background
Our family growing up tended to be:
A) Rigid B) Somewhat Rigid C) Flexible D) Very Flexible E) Overly Flexible

My Thoughts
If you heard all of my thoughts, you’d say they were:
A) Mostly Negative & Critical B) Often Negative & Critical C) Sometimes Positive & Believing the Best D) Mostly Positive & Believing the Best

What I hear in my head when I mess up is:
A) Personally Condemning B)Self Critical C) Neutral D) Comforting E) Reassuring and Hopeful